Welcome to guest blogger Mike Woody! He's a wonderful writer and a good friend, and has a very humorous take on marriage!
Marriage has taught me a lot, as apparently I’d been doing a lot of things wrong prior to taking the plunge. For example, I shouldn’t have based my tips on the amount of cleavage the waitress shows (The Hooters girls always got more than 20%) or only did dishes when the cupboards were bare. However, my worst mistakes were seemingly due to my lack of any fashion sense. I’m left to wonder how I ever dressed myself, as I failed with even the most basic of necessities. I’ll spare you the debriefing on underwear choices and instead focus on socks.
I really never knew how important socks were to an ensemble, as long as no hole was visible, all was good. So I thought. I was able to mask my deficiency of sock knowledge through the colder months, but once it became warm enough to wear shorts then my inadequacies were fully exposed. As if my ghostly white legs weren’t bad enough, my tube socks made it worse. Yes, much like my letter man coat from high school, I was forced to part with my collection of tube socks. While I miss my grandmothers daily, it’s a blessing they are departed because I’d never be able to explain why they could no longer get me tube socks for Christmas.
Apparently the truth is size does matter. The good news is, the smaller the better. You know what they say about men with big feet…small socks. Yes, socks so small, they are called ‘No Shows’ are the must haves for men to be fashionably acceptable, especially when wearing shorts. Is that a surprise to anyone but me?
In my defense, I’m not totally clueless in the field of socks. I know not to wear any size of black sock while wearing shorts. Also, it’s suggested that the tube socks not be pulled up all the way to the knee. Take my word for it, trust me, you will be laughed at. Mid-calf is also widely believed to be too high, as is even mid-ankle.
My legs aren’t very long, I’ve never been told, ‘You must be a basketball player,’ and I’ve also been advised against wearing short shorts. (That was an awkward conversation) A person need not be a fashion designer to know that if your shorts reaches your knees, then your socks are kept below knee-level. I typically kept my socks rolled down to an inch or two above the ankle, low enough that I wouldn’t look silly…Wrong! I even made sure the top stripe matched my shirt. I never want my colors to clash!
The first really warm day of the year, I broke out my shorts and rolled down my socks…red shirt, green striped socks (in the spirit of Christmas) and the wife was instantly ready to go shopping for socks. Before she’d go out to dinner with me that night, there was a quick trip to the store. I then received my first pair of ‘no show’ socks, with the warning to still not wear them with sandals or boat/deck/loafer shoes. My reaction to wearing them is similar to my feelings on G-Strings, why even bother? It’s all hanging out to see anyway.
It has been an adjustment, I feel so exposed, and my ankles have been freezing. The ankles must be the thermostat for the entire body. I suppose it’s just part of what it takes to be in style, or at least from below the ankle.
***Thanks so much, Mike, for visiting with me!
Mike Woody is a life long resident of Dayton, and has a passion for writing, which is good because he doesn't excel at much of anything else, except eating.
Woody has written for small-town newspapers since 2006 and has a degree in Creative Writing from Wright State University. (Perhaps something in the medical field would have been a better choice, but he passes out at the sight of blood)
To check out more of Mike's work visit his blog Woody's World at http://writingsbywoody.blogspot.com/ or follow him on Twitter @mikewoody1