02 February 2011

The Dating Game by Roz Lee


I’ll admit it. I’m not an expert on the dating scene. I found my man thirty-five years ago, and I’ve been married to him for over thirty-two of those years. An article in a Los Angeles newspaper got me thinking about how hard it is to find someone to love these days. Four career women are suing the computer dating service they signed with for breach of contract. They claim the company took their money and provided inferior service. Among their complaints were the men they were paired with did not fit the criteria the women set forth. One woman said the only match they found for her was a man who lived in San Diego. Since she lives in Los Angeles, it was a deal breaker for her. She wondered if there weren’t any eligible bachelors in Los Angeles. Another complained that matching her with someone a decade younger, and who aspired to having children, wouldn’t work since she had clearly stated she was beyond her childbearing years.

If their claims are true I’d have to say they have a case. But what got my attention was the amount of money they paid for this matchmaking service. One woman claimed to have forked over $35,000. Again, I’m no expert, but this seemed like an excessive amount for a service that used to be provided for free by well meaning friends, neighbors and relatives.

Back in the day—after dinosaurs and before computers—we relied on a much simpler network to find a mate. A good number of us were successful, and it didn’t cost us a dime. Our world was smaller then. The pool of available males was confined to the ones we met at school, church, work, and when we were older, the local bar. The free matchmaking services mentioned earlier added a smattering of new flesh to the pool.

Today, computer-dating services are everywhere, and the new matchmaker on the block, the internet has taken the middleman out of the equation. Log on, fill out a form, pay the fee and hit ‘send’. Within seconds, you have a list of like-minded people who are also looking for love. So why is it so hard to actually find love?

Back when—because we understood the limitations on our search, I think we took the time to look beyond the surface to see the real person. Today’s methods expand the shopping from one store to a whole mall, and like looking for the perfect dress, sometimes there is just too much to choose from. We know we can’t try them all on, so we dismiss the majority based on a quick glance. Have you ever taken a chance on a dress you weren’t so sure of on the rack, but once you tried it on, you fell in love with it?

I know the single women out there can’t try on every guy they see. There are just too many choices, but I’m wondering if there isn’t a simpler way to find a guy. Today is the first day of the Chinese New Year, a holiday that lasts fifteen days. In certain areas, there is a custom I find intriguing. On the fifteenth day, single women write their name on an orange and throw it in the river. Single men fish the oranges out of the water. It’s a low-tech way to meet someone new, but if the high-tech way isn’t working for you, perhaps you should try throwing an orange in the river. Happy New Year!

In my debut novel, THE LUST BOAT, Candace has been burned by love, but if Ryan can convince her to give him a chance, they both might find what they’ve been looking for. THE LUST BOAT is available now from www.eredsage.com. Visit me at my website – www.rozlee.net.

Please leave a comment! I’d love to hear your take on The Dating Game, and a big thanks to Beth for inviting me over to play today!

13 comments:

  1. My work in progress involves the use of such online dating sites so I signed onto a few to see what all the hullabaloo is about. Seems many give membership free to women, the men pay. Some are free for both sexes, in some both pay. The common denominator seems to the freedom the anonymity of the Internet allows.
    Now I can not speak from the male perspective, though I have asked a number of men about their experiences, but for women I have found men quite forward and often more familiar than most would ever dream of being in ‘real’ life. There is a presumed intimacy that does not as of yet exist. Many assume women are there for a quick sexual hookup or to show up naked on cam. Men tell me they get many scam approaches from girls wanting them to pay for cam peeks so the problem evidently goes both ways.
    However--I am equally surprised at the number of men looking (or claiming to look) for their soul mate. Men who want to form serious relationships are numerous.
    The vast wasteland is in that place anywhere in between. If you are a woman, that leaves you with either wanting NSA sex or wanting a husband. What ever happened to getting to know the person behind the image? (as you allude Roz) Maybe make a friend. Every relationship with the opposite sex does not have to be Yes, men are visual creatures and are attracted to a pretty face. Heck we gals like a man easy on the eyes as well. What about the person behind that image? Like a magazine photo, most potential dates approach you like a two dimensional photograph.
    Messages are filled with cut and paste tales of past betrayals and the desire to have someone 'real'. Does the Internet really lend itself to 'real', though?
    Like looking through the phone book, one tires of the vast array of choice, as you say. Yet how is a woman or man going to find someone real if he/she is unwilling to even read the profile of the other? One out of a hundred seems to take the time to read even the few sentence introduction left in the 'About Me" section. They ask things that are clearly said in that section.
    And then there are the inevitable scammers. Often originating in third world/African countries, they pose as American men on business overseas. They are most often ‘widowers’ with a child living with a mother or dear granny back home. (eliciting sympathy) and/or their parents were killed when they were young. They try to ingratiate themselves leading to asking for help with transferring money or outright pleas for cash. You seldom get that at the church social!
    Whether ‘real’ or ‘virtual’ dating, the point most important to remember-- each person is an individual that deserves respect. A reply is always proper even if it is to say thanks but no thanks. Sincere interest in the other and attempts to get to know what makes the soul on the other end of the email tick are a great beginning. Laundry lists of what you want are quickly seen as ‘me,me,me’ shallow. Hey, What U,. Add Me or Nudge, Nudge are not great sales pitches when sent solo as first contact, though many, many men use them. It’s amazing how even words alone can communicate the essence of the person on the other end. Meeting in a public locale, if there is to be a first face to face, is a must of course. Safety is more important than ever in this ‘virtual’ world.
    At the end of the day it is human nature that does not change. We all want to be approached as a unique individual, not a number or a face.
    Thanks for the great post, Roz!

    Christine London
    www.christinelondon.com

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  2. I actually wrote a blog yesterday about our bias for beauty. I read a study done before the internet where the researchers tried to match up a large group of students based on common interests, personality traits, etc (using a computer). After each matched pair went on a date, they were interviewed. Turns out, the only variable that mattered in the person's evaluation was how attractive their date was. Makes me think that no computerized dating service could be successful.

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  3. Wow Christine! Thanks for the insight into your research. You confirmed my suspicions that finding 'the one' is harder than ever,and statistically not likely through the internet. I think I'd rather get an intro from someone who knows both parties and thinks they'd suit. Not that I'm looking!! I think I'll keep the one I've got!

    Roz

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  4. Carly - Thanks for reading my little rant. I think our society is too hung up on appearances, not that they aren't important, but I do think they need to be put in perspective. There are lots more important things to consider than outward appearance. If I had it to do over again, I don't think I'd try the computer services.

    Roz

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  5. Same here. I met my hubby though my sister's BF, he just brought him over one day and we started dating. Been married for 31 years.

    I think if I suddenly found myself dating again, I'd be totally lost.

    Janice~

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  6. *** Anne is busy looking for an orange***

    LOL Just kidding. I was widowed at the age of 45, and I have to say things have changed but so have I. I haven't resorted to online dating yet, but I do know my interests and intentions are different than they were years ago. If I meet someone, great. If not,I'm happy with my friends, my pets, and the extended family.

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  7. Wonderful post. I'm so glad to have checked in. After the sudden loss of my husband of 36 years, I went to singles tennis and met a lot of nice men. Then someone invited me to a Recycling Single Men party where I met my second husband. A sweet time and best of luck to all.

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  8. Janice - LOL I don't think I'm up to hunting another one, so I'll keep this one as long as possible! Congrats on the 31 year success story and thanks for stopping by.

    Roz Lee

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  9. Annekane - So sorry to hear about your loss. I think you have a great attitude. I think it's wonderful that you've given yourself permission to be happy on your own, not necessarily alone. It takes a lot of pressure off to find someone. At least an orange is cheaper than the money the women in my blog threw away!

    Roz Lee

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  10. Charmaine - I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. After 36 years, that would be difficult. I'm glad to hear you had the gumption to get back out there. Singles tennis...hmmm. I love the idea of a Recycling Single Men party!! Sounds like it worked for you. I think there may be a story in there somewhere!
    Congrats on the second time around. Wishing you all the happiness in the world.

    Roz Lee

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  11. Beth - Thanks so much for inviting me over today! I've had a wonderful time and enjoyed hearing everyone's stories. I've learned a lot from the posts. I think I may have even picked up a story idea or two!!
    Best of luck with your writing!
    Roz Lee

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  12. Thanks Roz! One of the great things about hosting guest bloggers is meeting and discovering not only talented authors but friends as well!

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  13. HI Roz, Great post - the dating game is hard - I actualy got introduced to my hubby from my best friend's boyfriend at the time. My girlfriend and I got married to them 2 weeks apart and we are all best friends - so funny! I wasn't introduced to him for a while because my friend thought he wasn't artsy enough for me. See, you never know what can happen when you meet someone who may not be "your type!"

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